THE TWO PHASES OF FALSE LOVE

That one who makes you see a rainy day like a sunny summer day, who waits for the phone rings, who makes you lose days and days and sometimes the phone does not ring. That one who you think that you are the only one, but you discover that you are the only one of that day and the week has seven days, and about faithfulness, there is only yours.  Usually when the woman falls in love, she is physically faithful; mentally, thinking about him the whole day and if by the way she sleeps, she dreams about him, and; emotionally. She gets unaware about everything and about everyone, except for the beloved one. If he calls, she eats, if he does not call, she does not eat, takes antidepressant pills, relaxant pills and she still wants to die and even worse, she externalises her feelings to her family – how the poor ones suffer. So my dear readers, do like me, if this drives you to be unhappy, never fall in love and you will not have one single wrinkle and the others will not have to stand your bad mood, you will not cry compulsively for that one who has not giving you the minimum attention, who you have had the maximum expectation.

Then you say: “Hypocrite old woman! You have told in your blog that you have been married for 43 years and you are not in love?”. The capacity of the human being to get used with is bad, because in fact I have been married with him because my mother, according to her, did not accept returns and I did not have where to go and, as the need is the mother of inventions, I lied to myself, deceived myself that I was happy. I have eaten the bread made by the devil, but no one needed to know about it. So, suddenly, amidst many that have showed up and I have not given attention, because as I have said to you, I have got a horrible feeling for men and look, I already have met many handsome men, even that took their own life because of me, because I was afraid of cheating my husband. I was afraid of living together the hangman of regretfulness and then I did not do it. Now I see me “half in love” or interested, I do not know, because I have never loved, as I said once, and unsupportable man, penny pinching. I hope he finds another woman much better than me. Haven’t I told that only similar live together with similar? Do you know that proverb: “what the eyes cannot see, the heart cannot feel”? That is exactly what I am going to do, I am going to disappear. Sometimes I want to say to him: “You are special”, but if he has not noticed it so far, so he is not special. Wait for another one in this world or in the other one. The most important thing is not suffering. There are those women that get a man who love them, who worship them, who celebrate them, but even though they cheat them. That is the reason that is better to do not look at any man because except for these last ones, the others already described above, they only will use you and when they do not have any desire they will dispose you. Then let us pretend to ourselves: “Before alone than in bad company”.

I have met another one, a single one, rich, handsome and with the same age as mine, B. Only as a good morning, he gave me The ring, but I gave him back because for me, a jewel has a connotation of being bought or be displayed. I am not like this, I am simple, for instance: if I am eating a piece of bread and someone that I notice that is hunger than me shows up, I share it If it can be shared, otherwise I give it entirely with the excuse that I need to lose weight and this is the second piece that I am eating.  I always though that the person who gives to others, give to yourself. It is less one day feeling hungry. Since I am a child I am like this and I want to die like this. One day I will tell you my history, little by little, and you will understand it, because I am so frigid and I have gotten used with myself and with the animals, by the way, I love them and vice-versa. I saved the life of a kitten that run after me when he saw me. The car was about to hit him and I did not have any doubt, I threw myself in front of the car and saved his life, taking him home after this fact, where he passed away holding my hand, at his 17 years old. His last look was one of gratitude. Luis, mom miss you, one day you come to take me, because I am done with human beings, it is enough, because soul, at least from those that I know, they do not have it.

God puts next to you not your similar, but your neighbour that can be a dog, a cat and I have seen old women close to physical death, to kick a dog that came to caress her. Is it being a human being? Me, at her age, I would try to do my best to do not bother the Creator, because religions apart, there is a cosmic law, unquestionable, which is the Law of Return. What you seed, you will reap (The Law of Return).

Kátia Paes

LOVE SUBLIME LOVE

Welcome July 14th !! Thank you for the Liberty!! The peasants, the poor people that didn’t have bread, but they had courage for finishing what was wrong to do the correct!! Such a brave people. Thank you, thank you and thank you for putting an end to the Old Regime and leave the world breathes. There was born the Liberty, Equality and Fraternity. We are all brothers and sisters. Nowadays is very easy to make revolutions with bombs and weapons, but I’d like to see them make them as the peasants had done, with agricultural tools, with blood, with heart and mainly – the soul!! One thousand times “Vive la France”!! Even during the World Cup I use white, red and blue to support la France and for singing la Marseillaise!!

Thank you France, because after being a daughter of a man who was removed from the office, after being called by my high school colleagues as subversive, getting spitted on the face, eating only their leftovers, wherever the meal servers are, I hope they are in heaven, If heaven really exists, because they always kept my little plate reserved. Antonia, an Afro-Brazilian measuring 1,80m and in that time it was not common a Brazilian woman measures like that; Zezé who earned a very low salary and when she saw me being mistreated, she cherished me, a thing that my mother didn’t do. Saudades (a feeling when you miss someone or something, in Portuguese). I was blonde and they were all Afro-Brazilians, That’s why I love the Afro-descendants, I have always gotten along with them. I am used to say that many white men got their soul dirtier than our dear Afro-descendants’ colour of skin, still segregated. All my colleagues were Jews or Afro-descendants. Thank you all for respecting me, for cherishing and enlightening me where only there have been darkness and suffering.

Now, a declaration of love to France: since I was a child I loved France, before the Revolution of 1964. After the Revolution, she was my lifeline. I listened to L’amour est bleu (Love is Blue), from Paul Mauriat’s Orchestra, the sexiest bald man that I’ve ever seen, as another song he was used to play with his orchestra, Rain and Tears. I go further, from the conception inside my mother’s womb on, as a foetus, with no idea if I would be girl or boy, my heart was already beating for France. My punishment is not only to be born there, but also to be born in a submissive country to the United States, even it is denied. So you may ask why I have not been to France? Because my mother didn’t like the French people, she thought they were rude and I got angry, saying they were not rude, in fact, they were not hypocrite.  I liked the French painters such as Toulouse Lautrec, Claude Monet and mainly Renoir, my favourite with Pink and Blue (Alice and Elisabeth Cahen d’Anvers). Despite of Van Gogh’s paintings became very famous nowadays, worth a lot and the fact he isn’t French is, for a child, his paintings are scary, they are like I felt inside and every day thinking about the humiliations of the day that I would suffer, caused by the teacher, only for making me suffer. I was scared because I could feel his pain, his disenchantment about the life, the tyrant starvation, merciless.  I love your songs. How the French people can be called rude with songs like Chanson Pour Anna; F Comme Femme, an anthem to the women. France’s air I know it’s lighter than here. Do you know why I never go? Because I know I’ll have to come back and then I’ll miss there a lot.

Do you know that proverb: “what the eyes can’t see, the heart can’t feel?” To me, what concerns about France it’s wrong, because If I see it, my heart will miss it so much, a strong saudade (feeling of missing someone, some place or something), in Portuguese), that I could die. Thank you France for everything that you have done for the humanity, since the fall of Bastille, where hungry peasants fought the nobility with jewels and full bellies. What people nowadays has the courage of your peasants? For each killed soldier, 10 peasants had been killed, at least. You are blessed my dear France! Not even if I’m dead I’ll quit you. Vive la France!

The worst kind of slavery is the one we have the key of the locker and we do not want to open it, because we got habituated with the weight of the chain.

Kátia Paes

RESPECT TO THE US CONSTITUTION’s FIRST AMENDMENT

CIA, FBI, NSA – Disrespect your constitution is not a crime? Why every time I set up a Facebook account, even talking about amenities, they shut it down? Ignoring your constitution this way, which is one of the few things that I like from you, showing the respect to the human being when it allows the freedom of speech. Isn’t it a crime? It is not anymore and haven’t you let everyone knows? You, instead of bringing me to your side, you are confirming what you’ve done to a 6 years old girl who’s got spitted in the face of her school colleagues every day, because the military men had said that I should never be born. Is this the way you want I like you? Chasing me like you did to my father? Screw up this girl, take her rights off! She’s na animal! I’d appreciate if you respect it, because even me, the animal, respects it and likes it that much. I’ve got to tell you if John Fitzgerald Kennedy would be unanimity, he wouldn’t have died in Dallas. Then there’s no such unanimity, furthermore, not even Christ had, he died on the cross.

Kátia Paes

MARKED AS CATTLE

To the American people, my apologies for do not like of you, that happens because JFK sponsored all revolutions in Latin America, including the one that I was hit when I was 6 years old, on the way to complete 7 years old. At my 7, during the public high school, I had the bad luck of having a teacher who was wife of a military man, so I was treated as if I had Hansen’s disease. Once she called me in the middle of the classroom to tell everyone I was subversive and people like me should be threw in high sea. The colleagues that caught or touched me for any reason, they washed their hands and used alcohol for washing them, and after all, I was daughter of a man who had been removed from the office. We lost a great apartment. How to explain it to a child who is still learning how to read, what is subversive?

During the birthdays that happened at the high school, I did not receive any piece of cake. That happened to me and to my colleague called Elisa, an afro-descendent, and in that time, there was none of the laws existing today. They did it thinking they were doing a wonderful thing, but today, by the experience and by what we see in the newspapers, it proves that happened a mistake on Mr. John Fitzgerald Kennedy’s and Mr. Lyndon Johnson’s (his vice-president) judgement. I want you to put yourselves in my place, the country of freedom and the American Dream gave me a hellish nightmare. I know you people have no guilt, but it will not cure the scars that I have from the humiliations suffered during my life. I should prosecute you for moral damages, but God does not take a nap and not even sleeps; see what happened with Kennedy Family. You have created monsters and then they turned against you, let us remember about the Twin Towers. There must have a reason and the reason is the Divine Justice. Who seeks, find it. You cannot give me back my childhood and here is a detail, my father was the only one that was not amnestied, because he was removed from the office by mistake and thereafter, absolved by the Supreme Court. His name was João Marques Paes Filho. Because of this, I can prosecute you. My anger from you is so much that I think that to prosecute you is unworthy and you keep making, over and over, more victims like me.  There is no need of telling about the recent facts. An example: once when I was at the high school, my colleagues were not aware about the situation of my father, so a girl asked me a little bit of my Coca-Cola and then, other girl, when she saw her friend drinking my Coca-Cola, she told her that I was a daughter of a man who was removed from the office - of a subversive man, how they liked to say -  so the girl spited out the drink and washed her mouth with soap. After this fact, she started bugging the teacher saying she would contract a disease for drinking the drink of a subversive girl, son of a man that was removed from the office.

Because of it all, my life became a living hell and, in the eve of completing my 60s, I would like you to know that I bled, I was bruised, almost sexually aggressed, but I was already there, with the “thick leather” of being hit with the belt. It unbalanced even my mother because she hit me for any reason, because she told me that I was the reason about what happened to my father. Forgive me, but I cannot like you. Liking you would be like making myself null, to make null everything that I suffered, what I passed through and you tell me, by the first constitutional amendment, that the dream of you destroyed my life. Put yourself in my place, please.

Kátia Paes

YOUR BIG FRIEND, THE LONELINESS

To stay alone, to be alone, to live alone.  It all make many people afraid of, terrifies many people. Nowadays, after 1 year alone, I learned to listen to its advices showing your defects. It is quite like as if it sees me inside. In the past times, I abominated to be alone, nowadays, I abominate people. I learned to like of my own self. To be a lone person is only to get pissed with your own self, it is like to have a world only yours, impenetrable. In my case, the loneliness showed that I did not know me; I was only a shadow about what I thought about me. Today I know that nobody likes more than me than my own self, differently of the past days, when surrounded by people, I felt myself excluded and hatred by everyone. To be positive brought me annoyance into my life.

I like so much of my loneliness that, ironically, through it I learned to live together other people. It showed me where I was wrong. Do you know what is the best part of it? It is when you lose your fears and not even care If you make it right, only you can judge yourself. You are defendant and judge at the same time. Today I know that I am a better human being, because I do not want to impose my presence to those who do not want it, that is because of this reason, the biggest part of wise people look for loneliness, intending to meditate, or they are done with the humanity, disappointed.

Don’t fear the loneliness, take the maximum profit of it. You deserve it.

Kátia Paes

WHAT I MOST ADMIRE IN THE USA

1) The respect to their Constitution;

2) Patriotism;

3) The agile Justice System;

4) The unity of a people;

5) Quoting: "If coffee's price has risen, so cut it" and everybody makes it;

6) Seriousness;

7) The flags at the door houses;

8) Their actors, their music, their TV series and the life quality;

9) Philadelphia;

10) New York.

It's impossible, our Constitution has been changed for several times and we don't respect it. Our justice is slow, longtime delayed (in some cases, the author dies and the family takes the credits of the lawsuit) and fractured. In my case, I'm dealing with the Justice system, my brother's stolen, falsified, said he was a physician without being one in fact and he's been free like a tampon. Me, the one who's been stolen, I'm falling apart while he's in a good place. I need to reinforce that the Public Attorney's Office (Ministério Público) from Rio de Janeiro is impeccable. It takes everything seriously and I haven't found any defect on them. In my case, they are being a blessing. Thank you Public Attorney's Office (Ministério Público)!


DON'T GET AN UNKOWN FOR YOURSELF. ALWAYS KNOW YOURSELF

In some moments, I've been so unaccredited, that I've wanted to take my own life, however, I've remembered that I've never stolen anything, that I've been honest, clean and credible. Why should I finish my own life? If you are right, you must fight, fight, fight until you become only skin and bones. Believe in what's right. It makes me hard because me and my husband are making 43 years of marriage and I think the autumn and winter love are the most perfect. I don't know if it's because I'm tired of some many battles, or If it's because I got married with him because my mother obliged me to make it and in some time, the time charges. Today, making our living together has became very hard. I never loved him, but I respected him, however, it's not working out for me anymore. 

Saying that he's mistreated me, it's true. He's being rude with me, but now I think he's became a boring old man. He doesn't' listen to me, he doesn't to put the hearing device, he doesn't want to make the things, so I'm getting tired and in the silence of my loneliness, which I'm being submitted, I'm listening the voice of reason. I'm knowing a person that I left behind when I got married with him in my early 17 years old. I'm knowing the person I was. The loneliness made me reborn, to know that I can. I want, therefore I can. There's no one to put me down, like "no one will fuck my mother, she's falling apart, my father is better than her". In fact, my husband looks like Richard Gere, but he isn't him and for me, I prefer an intelligent brain, a man that knows what he wants, a special man instead a Richard Gere look-alike (a handsome man). A woman, for more independent that she may feel, there are moments that she wants to be caressed, to listen that she's important to someone, that this man doesn't live without her, but there are days that we need to listen to it and my husband has never said it to me. When he said it, it was already late, there's no effect anymore, I got hardened. How long worths to be married with him? The danger of the marriage is when we get habituated or when we are afraid of it. Not today, because today I'm re-evaluating if it worths to be continued. 

I think nowadays I love myself so much that I became lesbian, not in the sense of searching another woman, but in the sense of loving myself. I love a person called Kátia. For a longtime time I've been devalued by my husband and my sons. I forgot about her existence. It's good that she's been just asleep and like snowy white, she's returned to life when she's spited the piece of apple called João Carlos. In fact, today I prefer the toad instead of the prince, because there's no prince anymore. Girls, don't get deluded, for real, firstly love yourself and then you'll be able to transmit the love inside yourself to other person. Finishing, I prefer toads than princes.

An important detail, I've been so much devalued, I've became a maid, a nurse and I unlearned how to make sex. Well, in my age I don't need it that much.

If our Justice system would be like from the US, I wouldn't have unknown myself, the one I was.

Kátia Paes

THOUGHT OF THE DAY - THE TRUTH

The truth, in people who make of lying a survival mean, it's like the sun for the vampire.

FACEBOOK DOES NOT RESPECT FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION LAW

After creating the second Facebook profile - because the first one has been automatically cancelled when adding my e-mail address - on my second login, at the date of yesterday. 

In my profile I've written about some old Brazilian folk songs of my childhood in which, in its major part, incites the children to violence, such as "I threw the wood at the cat, but the cat hasn't died and Dona Chica got admired with the cat's scream". Other song that has been criticised is:"Fall, fall balloon, fall here in my hand", instigating children to release illegal balloons in the air, causing fire on the woods, towns and in electrical power stations. 

Ecologists, let's create a movement to banish these songs out of the Brazilian and World folklore.

Other songs such as: "Look Zezé's haircut, is he ...? is he... ?"; "Mary Dyke, dyke, dyke, in the daylight she's Mary, in the night time she's John", instigating children to make jokes with homosexuality and there's a law for it nowadays. Why can't it be obeyed? Differently from the North American songs such as: "Itsy Bitsy Spider", showing the persistence of a small animal that doesn't give up on its goal. Grade 100. Congratulations!

In my opinion, one of the best TV series that ever existed was OZ, showing the reality of the North American jails, where I've put four Chris Meloni's photos. Two of them earlier in his career and other two acting, one of them at OZ, however, there are several photos of him naked in this TV series, although it hasn't been my goal, because he's symmetrically perfect, he's the male pair of Botticelli's Venus for being so perfect as he is. Simply I've been treated as an outlaw and my Facebook's profile has been cancelled.

Where's the law of freedom of expression? I've spoken about Mr Christopher Meloni very respectfully and admiring, as well as missing him when he acted in Law & Order - SVU. A proof of it is the constant changes of Olivia's partners after his leaving. No one has replaced him, you can't replace the irreplaceable, I'm not speaking that the other actors who have replaced him are not good actors, nevertheless, Mr Meloni represented with mastery his role as Detective Slater, which is very hard to compare (as a replacement). And look, he worked all dressed! He's an amazing actor, Incredible!

That's it, they've removed me. For me, Facebook is just a little soldier obeying to some General's order. Lamentable. I've been disrespected as citizen and thinking being. quoting M. Descartes: "I think, therefore I am".

Congratulations for the obedience to the General. 

Kátia Paes

WHAT COMES NEXT - ENTANGLED LIVES, 3 BRAND NEW STORIES

I'm currently writing three micro-stories:

1) A story of a Greek slave woman and when the Romans invade, she goes to Rome. It'll be called "Livia, the Greek slave";

2) This one will be called "Santarém";

3) What happens in the current times with these two stories, a karmic rescue.

You will enjoy them. Not necessarily I believe on it, but writing is my life.

Kátia Paes

WHAT NOT EVEN FREUD WOULD EXPLAIN

My passion for La France is since my childhood. When I listened to Edith Piaf I cried. When Johnny Hallyday came to Brazil I went after him. Sometimes the French people are so hard with us, but even though, I like them. What can I do?

Kátia Paes

PHRASES ABOUT DEATH

THE BEST PARTY OF THE WORLD...

... when we are obliged to go, by imposition or gratitude, without being willing to, it becomes the worst of the funerals. When we are not aware, we are dead.

IN A GENERAL RULE, WE FEAR THE DEATH...

... but we are (some of us) so mistreated, humiliated and deprecated that we already die inside and we don’t know. 

Kátia Paes

FURTIVE LOVE

Love between two married people is the hardest one, because we need to live together with the protagonists, satisfy the sidekicks and furthermore, don’t let your husband suspects, otherwise you can take some good slaps in which they will leave signals not only on your face, but on your own self-love. Hardly he’ll ask for changing the mattress, on the contrary of the cheated wife that in certain cases, she can hire someone else to kill you.

Nevertheless, I think, If you’ve won this gift, show your capacity of fooling the adversities. I would make it If I had courage, considering that I never made it, after all, we women are so mistreated, treated like an ownership, so few valued and in rare cases the contrary happens, that’s why, If this is your case, it worth the risk, since you know how to make it well.

I never made it maybe because I had fear about my reaction when making it, about mine and his. In the end, if he doesn’t like it, I’ll feel myself the worst woman of the world and, if he likes it and sticks like a bubble gum, in the place of having a husband and a lover, I’ll have two husbands and this will be the end. That’s why I had so many opportunities and I never made it.

If you are brave enough, don’t lose your time.

Kátia Paes

GOD DOES NOT SLEEP

All the adversaries united in the death of Ms. Marisa, ex-first lady, so stretched that she barely opened her eyes. How many plastic surgeries she should have done. I say it due to all the money spent with them would have fed many people that lost everything because of Lula and Dilma’s government. It could have ended the hungry of lots of people that have the street as their roof. They lost everything, even their dignity and so, what is the reason of a constitution if not used properly by any politician? Where is the housing and the health? They were people like you and me and in a f… country like it is now, no jobs, no hope, even the hope of the Brazilian people has been taken due to the corruption which is like smallpox, once we can only see it when it pops up, because when it is being transmitted to other people we don’t see it, they have only fever and in the case of the politicians, fever for money.

I don’t belong to this falsehood because I remember the soldier who committed suicide for not receiving his salary, 28 years old, very young, with the whole life ahead and she had a Faustian lifestyle. I see stores closing, people going in need, those ones who died at the corridor of hospitals by the lack of care, the small farm in Atibaia and the triplex apartment in Guarujá. They owned to her and the ex-president Lula, denied by him, the traffic of influence, etc… those who died by the lack of care at SUS (Public system of health) and still die, are less important than her? Do they cause less pain to their relatives instead of her own ones? Was she more mother than that poor one that died in pain at the cold corridor of an overloaded hospital, no medicines, dirty, full of water drops, with rats and roaches, sometimes on the floor? She died surrounded by all the comfort of a particular hospital and in the same time, another one should be dying on the cold floor and out of a comfort of a public hospital, or even on the streets, as it happens every day. So, to the family of the ex-president Lula, I hope she reaps what she seeded and from the SUPREME JUDGE nobody runs, I have told it, all of us will have our day of defendant. Caskets do not have drawer, as a popular proverb says.

One day all of us will pass by the democracy called Death that gets the rich, the poor and the average one. I hope she receives what she gave, that the tears and the blood of the innocents of the SUS fall over her. You may know that proverb: “Behind a great man there is always a great woman”, the contrary also works out and she came from a humble origin just like him, has she forgot what is being a dependent of the SUS? Let’s remind that her first husband was a taxi driver, but it is impressive how the poverty can be forgotten when someone arrives where she arrived, but God, the SUBLIME JUDGE, judged her and voilà: the death.

There is no stolen money that brings Ms. Marisa back to life. Thank you.   

Katia Paes

PS¹: To you all that were there: Lula, Fernando Henrique, José Sarney and all with advanced age, do not cry, soon you will be there with her and you will catch up.

PS²: You may think I am insensitive, but I am sensitive enough. I sensibilise myself with those who sleep in the open air on the streets, like the whole families living in São Paulo’s downtown. You can say they are vagabond, but they are not, they have been caught by the crisis as I was caught during Sarney’s mandate, but I had someone to count on and they do not. Before judging them put yourselves in their place. Those mothers with their children when they ask for milk, for bread and they cannot give them. People want jobs, want health. This crisis is so serious that one day there will not be people that they (politicians) can steal. People have no food on their table, ah, there are no tables too, while she had a triplex apartment to live in. I am not hypocrite. I hope she pays for it. It is said that one leaf does not fall without God’s permission. Eye for an eye. The Law of Return is pure physics. My heart aches when I see homeless people, nobody should pass thought what they are passing. See this absurd: when Brazil is paying for her burial ceremony there are people being buried as indigent in common graves. The law should pay for everyone and not for her because she is full of money. God does not warns when you will be judged.

To Lula Family that doesn't see, doesn't speak, doesn't listen to, ah... they don't know about anything too.