THE LITTLE ROACH

I think it is interesting when someone asks me if I have ever read METAMORPHOSIS from Kafka. I have never read, but I know maybe there is a similarity due to the sadness caused by my raising process with indifference and mistreatment. I was beaten with a hook for clothes, a broom and whatever was close to my mother hands. I do not know if this is his case, but also indifference.

My mother signed for me to get married without being pregnant or anything, I was 16, so I identify myself when he says about the roach. If I transform myself into a roach, I would like to be one of those small ones because my mother would kill me. If I was a big roach she would leave me in peace or ask someone else to make it. There is nothing that hurts more than the indifference of a father and a mother and the indifference between siblings, all for one and nothing for the other one. Only the person who passed through it, felt it in the flesh and in the heart, will feel it.

Now I will read METAMORPHOSIS. Getting aware that someone else besides me got destructed because of it little by little, in homeopathic doses, is very sad. I think I have never read Kafka because his raising was similar than mine. I will suffer for me and for him. Remembering sad things is suffering twice. Here is a single example: my mother only kissed me once, in my wedding, because she was getting rid of me and the world is like a wheel, I took care of her in the end.

PS: We only wish to be an insect when we think we are less than they are, when we are running out of self-esteem. As we cannot become an insect, we make a self-destruction.

Katia Paes